Many of us want to stay in our house for as long as we possibly can. But this may not be what we should do. Aging in place is defined as living in your own home safely, independently, and comfortably for as long as you can. We may want to stay in our own homes because of our image nursing homes and the people we knew who lived the last years of their lives there. Since these images are not positive, we resist moving out of our homes.
But baby boomers have been changing that image. There are more 50+ communities popping up, and retirement homes (with stages of living and care) are referred to as communities of healthy living. These newer communities cater to a livelier group as they can include nice amenities such as health clubs, bistros, and bars and lounges.
Loneliness is a serious issue for people of all ages, but particularly as we age. When we outlive our friends or can no longer drive, we are often alone. We don’t have anyone to keep us current and relevant or engage us in conversation. By living in a focused community, it is much easier to make connections and stave off feelings of loneliness.
Aging Communities in Popular Culture
This was all brought to my attention as I was watching the new show on Netflix with Ted Danson titled “Man on the Inside.” Charles (Danson) is a retired professor of engineering who has recently lost his wife. His adult daughter is worried he is depressed, lonely, and bored. So she encourages him to get a job that will get him out of the house and around other people.
Charles sees a job for an older person that requires technological skills so he applies for it. The position is for him to be an undercover investigator in a retirement home. One of the resident’s sons hires an agency to find the person who stole his mother’s necklace. Charles becomes the “man on the inside” and we get to experience what it is like to live in such a place. The show is popular and has been extended to a second season.
The show took center stage for discussion in my husband’s book group, and he and I have talked about it a lot as well. We were able to glean a lot of lessons from the show, such as:
· Communicating with adult children about aging and life changes is not so easy.
· Loneliness is an issue and retirement communities can provide a sense of community.
· The show depicts people navigating life’s transitions—some are more successful than others.
· It can be more challenging to make friends when we are older. Like college, we witness cliques forming, competitions taking place, and jealousy.
· There is even a love interest included. Sally Struthers, famous for her role of Gloria Bunker in “All in the Family,” plays Virginia who initially develops a crush on Charles, but that doesn’t last.
Reflecting real life, the show has humorous and sad parts. The characters form new bonds and lose friends to death with the accompanying grief and sadness.
My parents moved to a similar retirement home at the age of 87 and lived there until their deaths five and seven years later. I heard their stories about being invited down the hall for a party, joining others for dinner in the formal dining room, or being left out of a social activity. My dad enjoyed the swimming pool and played pool. My mom appreciated meeting people as she worked on puzzles in the library. They both attended chair yoga and in-house music concerts.
Since I was the person who was interviewing retirement places for them to move, I would always ask about the amenities. One marketing person told me, “If your parents wait much longer, it won’t matter what amenities are provided because they may not be mobile enough to use them.”
I’ve never forgotten that comment because it shows how life comes full circle. Even if you do want to age in place, it’s worth plotting out your “if I have to move” plan ahead of time. We need to be thinking ahead for what’s next as there are waiting lists for many places—just as there are for daycare centers. Thinking ahead puts you more in control, and gives you more agency over how you want to live your life.
Should You Stay Or Should You Go?
On a material level, if we stay in our home until the bitter end, we are also leaving a lot of work for our family to dispose or distribute our belongings. In a recent Forbes.com article, I described five secrets retirees should not tell their adult children. One secret had to do with all the stuff we tend to collect that our children often don’t want to inherit. As one of my friends who recently moved out of his home into a nice retirement community told me, “I would not have believed accumulating was a burden, until it was.”
The time to think about the next phase of life is now. Be open minded to moving to a community where you feel comfortable when the time is right. It can provide some new views on life and help you develop new relationships. Find a sense of belonging. But if you want to be active and take advantage of the opportunities available, don’t wait until it is too late. Aging in place may be the answer for you, but it may not. Be open minded. While we can’t stop time, we can be prepared for what’s next.
When planning for what’s next, ask yourself: Should I stay in my home or should I go somewhere? Now might be the time to get your name on a waiting list—that you can always decline.
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