It’s a common problem, the elder who starts to become dangerous behind the wheel. It can be physical things, like vision or hearing issues that make it dangerous. Or it can be significant memory loss. Who is supposed to be the one to step in and get the aging
parent to stop?
The Significance of Driving
When our elders were teenagers, getting a driver’s license was a symbol of independence and freedom. Most got that license to experience that freedom. Mom or Dad didn’t have to drive them around anymore. Getting into a car when you feel like it, or when you need to get somewhere within a certain time is still a kind of freedom. And it’s hard for people of any age to give that up. But time takes its toll. Losing one’s independence by degrees in various aspects of life often causes fear and resistance. Driving is a prime example. It forces the person who loses the privilege to become dependent on others to get places.
Denial
Some aging parents with memory loss issues may admit to becoming forgetful, but they rarely connect that with lack of safety behind the wheel of their car. It is indeed a safety issue. Memory loss doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It can be accompanied by confusion, forgetting where to go or how to get there, and even forgetting the rules of the road. For family members of elders with memory loss, it’s time to look at the safety of your aging loved one’s driving. Their invisible impairments can endanger not only themselves, but everyone on the road with them. They may be in denial but you don’t have to go to that denial with them.
Who Should Take This On?
Usually a family member, perhaps the adult child, learns that the aging parent has had a minor accident, or perhaps a major one. Sometimes there is a series of unexplained dents and visible damage to the car that the elder never mentioned getting. Whomever sees it first needs to let others in the family or circle of friends know. “Minor” damage is a red flag about driving, a warning sign that something needs to change. Waiting until the elder has a major accident is a mistake. Someone could die.
Perhaps there is a “favorite” adult child, grandchild, or friend the elder trusts. That person needs a strategy to approach the aging loved one about giving up driving. A five point plan for how to go about it is in my book, The Family Guide To Aging Parents. Regardless of how the subject is approached by family and friends, at least one person needs to take leadership. Otherwise, everyone lives in the fantasy that Mom, Dad, or Grandma can just keep driving indefinitely. Very few elders are so free of any impairments that they can keep safety driving to the ends of their lives. We know of one unusual elder who lived to be 104 years of age. With good vision, and alert as she was even at 100 years old, she decided to stop driving when she ran over a curb and nearly crashed her car. She was a rare person. She stopped driving on her own.
A Real Life Example
An alert and pleasant 88 year old, (Sweet Mom, or “SM”) was showing increasing difficulty with her memory. She had poor balance and used a walker. She often forgot to use it. She paid attention to finances but someone else had to pay her bills, as she couldn’t remember to pay them on her own. Her kindly daughter, “KD” watched over her from time to time. SM’s live-in partner was just as forgetful. He couldn’t drive anymore after a stroke, so he was asking SM to drive him places. When KD found out about this, she asked for advice at AgingParents.com.
I reviewed SM’s medical records and memory testing she had a few months before. Her memory was at the bottom of the test scores consistently. Testing was done by a licensed psychologist with standardized test instruments. That means it was not an opinion. It was data from a reliable source. Based on that data, I had to advise KD that SM should not be driving anymore.
Resistance
KD was afraid to appraoch SM with the bad news. “She’ll freak out” KD told me. Although SM did know how to use Uber or other service, she just wanted to keep that symbol of independence and freedom, driving. She did not realize that she could cause harm to herself or anyone on the road. It was an emotional matter for both KD and her mom. They talked but it was not a final decision. They started out with what they thought was a partial solution– to limit SM’s driving. This too is a fantasy. The fact is that most car accidents happen within about five miles from home. In suburban areas, where SM lived, it is less than five miles statistically.
“She’s only going to drive to get her hair or nails done”, KD said. That involved getting on the freeway, driving about 10 miles each way, and taking a completely unnecessary risk every time. I replied that this was not a good solution. SM had choices: the caregiver could drive her, she could use an app and get a ride, or she could hire a private driver, as she was financially comfortable for that option.
Unfinished Business
KD had not made up her mind to let her mom know that driving was just not safe anymore and she had to stop altogether. That conversation was going to take a lot of courage and an ally, SM’s son. The siblings had not discussed the approach and formed a plan. But KD’s brother was on board with making a plan, as long as KD, the “favorite” of SM, took the lead. I did give KD a lot of encouragement, and suggested words to use and a way to go about the difficult task.
The Takeaways
Somewhat surprisingly, most elders who are respectfully asked to give up driving will do so with the support of their loved ones. It’s the stubborn, resistant ones who are the problem for their families.
If your aging parent or other loved one should stop driving, decide who will take leadership on approaching the subject with them. Get past denial and address this. It can be done. Use allies. Use resources to help you know how to go about the task. Consider that your initiating the conversation and action could be saving your loved one’s life or that of someone else. The effort is well worth that.
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