There are more older people living alone in the U.S. than you might think. As of the most recent U.S. Census Bureau data (2023 estimates), about 15.2 million people aged 65 and older live alone. That means about 1 in 4 seniors are living by themselves. Will you be one of them?
Some of us have aging parents who live alone and some of us are the aging parents ourselves. From any vantage point, there are matters of concern. Some older people live out their senior years adapting well, but many others struggle. What’s the difference between the ones who seem to do it fine and the ones who don’t? It looks to be a matter of conscious planning, or some can call it “facing your fears”.
Components of Success on the Solo Journey
Here at AgingParents.com, where we offer consulting and strategy to those with aging loved ones, we see a variety of attitudes in the older folks. Some seem to pretend that they will always be just fine, no matter what age they are, regardless of many physical warning signs that they are no longer just fine. Denial does not produce good planning. On the other hand, we see very wise elders who recognize that they have to look out for their own aging process and potential decline in health and be sure protections are in place. They don’t want to leave a mess behind them. Those are the ones who completed their estate planning documents in a younger day, appointed someone to be there in an emergency, made sure they had active connections in their communities, and avoided becoming isolated in less than ideal living situations.
Examples of Smart Planning For Solo Aging
Retired Teacher (RT) was a healthy, active person, living with her husband in the same house for decades. She had no adult kids in the area. She knew her husband had a few health issues, though he was generally okay. She decided it would be best if they gave up their comfortable home and moved into a local seniors’ community. He resisted. She took the long view. She didn’t want either of them to struggle without the other, all alone. They did move. Three months later, her husband fell ill and passed quickly. RT was already in a community. She felt safe. She was involved in it and stayed there for life. As her own health deteriorated, she had all the care she needed at hand. Hers was a successful journey alone in her last years.
The oldest woman on record in her county (OW) lost her husband and decided to remain in her own house after that. She never had children. She made a community of friends and others and engaged with them daily. She kept very healthy habits, ate a clean diet, exercised every day and intentionally chose not to sit home alone in front of a TV. She remained busy for life until her very short last illness. She lived to be 113. Keys to her success were her physically active lifestyle and her intentional, association with others daily.
Active Elder (AE) is 80, widowed and lives alone in a suburban condo. She sold her large home after becoming a widow. “Too much to maintain” she says. She has no family in her area. She is involved in her local Rotary, and participates in every social event they conduct as well as attending weekly club meetings. Their motto is “service before self”. She has a sense of purpose in that part of her life. She loves to travel and plans trips to interesting cities. Her habit is to rent a house for a month and invite friends to come visit and experience the city with her. She enjoys hosting guests and finds the travel exciting and fun, exploring different cultures.
Traps Solo Agers Can Fall Into-What To Avoid
The most impactful life event may be losing a partner or spouse. This is unquestionably devastating and can leave the survivor feeling totally lost in life. It may feel like the path of least resistance to withdraw and do nothing. Staying home, being depressed, and getting stuck in that place leads to no good outcome. A newly solo older person has to do hard work to survive and find a new path to a fulfilling existence. Getting help to process grief, accepting help from others and creating ways to adapt to the profound change in one’s daily existence are essential.
What Doesn’t Work
Childless Woman (CW) lost her husband quickly after a stunning diagnosis. She felt as if her world had ended. Even after a couple of months, she did not respond to friends trying to spend time to comfort her. She rejected every kind suggestion her small circle of friends offered. She got progressively more and more depressed. Finally, she got treatment, did the work and felt better. But she had no plans for how to create a different existence for herself. She refused to work at finding purpose or things to do that she could enjoy. Her last years were primarily a sad time. She spent most of her time completely isolated from others.
What Does Work
None of us have a guarantee of never being left alone in life. Many single people of all ages work things out, but a lot changes as we age. The risks of aging solo increase over the years. In fact, among people 85 and older, nearly half of women live alone. Planning around this possibility can make things considerably easier. And it takes effort to see the options and create a way to be successful. Here is what we see at AgingParents.com as high quality planning for one’s future, being as realistic as possible.
1. Create or expand your connections to others. Develop and expand your friendships. Join things. Show up for events. Participate in groups, like AE, above (Rotary for example), in your community. You need a network around you if you want to age solo in a successful way. People live longer and happier with community around them. Social isolation leads to poor health outcomes.
2. Make clear future plans. If you live in a place that you could not or would not want to manage alone, consider a proactive move before it is actually needed. RT, above, gave up her house, which her husband resisted doing. But her move to a supervised environment was a life saver over time. After he passed, she had a community and support every day.
3. Attend to your mental health. This is true throughout life, of course, but your emotional well-being when you are aging alone is of critical importance. Components of mental wellness include feeling included, having a sense of purpose, (like AE, above), creating enjoyable activities (OW, above), and avoiding social isolation, among other things. This well being does not come about by drifting along, making no effort to achieve good emotional health. It can be a result of a concerted effort to remain engaged in the parts of life that bring safety and enjoyment.
Conclusion
Concerned adult children may understand all of this. And stubborn aging parents may simply refuse all helpful suggestions. We can’t make anyone who is still mentally competent do what we want. We can encourage and that can help. On a personal note, my widowed mother-in-law, who lived to be 96, insisted on living alone for all too long. We begged her for years to move. Finally at age 93, she took our suggestion to move to a seniors’ community! The takeaway: don’t give up. Your urgings can eventually work.
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