My wife, Mika, and I took a survey this week about our approach to money. The survey asked us to respond to a number of statements by noting on a continuum whether we agreed or disagreed, ranging from -5 (“I strongly disagree”) to +5 (“I strongly agree”).
For example, here is a sampling of the prompts:
- “If I work hard, I have the right to play hard.”
- “The more money I have in savings, the more secure I feel.”
- “Financial success or failure has a lot to do with luck.”
There were 12 questions like that, and then things got really tough because the prompts were related to how we view money in light of our children, like:
- “It’s important that my children have the same things and opportunities as their peers.”
- “Once my children are old enough to earn their own money, they’ll be expected to cover some of their expenses.”
What did we learn?
Well, we’re a lot alike, but we’re also different. But not just that. We’re also likely different than we thought, meaning Mika didn’t always respond the way I thought she should—I mean, would—and vice versa. But perhaps even more interestingly, I didn’t always respond the way I thought I would!
This is due to a phenomenon known as intersectionality. Say that 5 times really fast.
Intersectionality is a recognition of the complex, overlapping influences that shape our individual life experiences and, therefore, our worldviews.
For example, I am a white male who grew up in a nuclear family with a father who was an electrical engineer, a stay-at-home mom, and two younger brothers. Mika is a black woman who grew up in a single-parent household, where her mom worked more than full-time to provide for her and her one older brother.
Both sets of parents worked really hard to instill the core values of faith, family, hard work, and frugality. Today, I am a financial advisor, and Mika owns a healthy meal prep and catering company.
So, how would you expect us to respond to the prompt, “Financial success and failure has a lot to do with luck”?
I’ll tell you in a minute, but first—what’s the point? In this case, there are four.
1. Personal finance is more personal than finance.
Maybe you’ve already heard this one, but how we do what we do with money goes far beyond the spreadsheet. Sure, who we are when we’re born probably has something to do with it, but how we were raised—and what we’ve experienced, especially in the first 10 years of life—is likely the most potent driver of how we respond to various stimuli.
Certified Financial Therapist Rick Kahler taught me a concept that he and his collaborators, Dr. Ted Klontz and Dr. Brad Klontz, refer to as “money scripts.” The latter defines them as the “typically unconscious, trans-generational beliefs about money that are developed in childhood and drive adult financial behaviors.”
For example, how you respond to a homeless person asking you for money is driven by a money script—that may or may not have words attached to it—that might say, “Nah, they’re just going to spend it on booze or drugs” or “I must give to those in need” or “Look at him in the eyes to be sure he’s seen as a person.”
These responses are neither right nor wrong; they just are. And, it is through recognizing them that we can question whether or not our gut feelings are consistent with our beliefs and values—and yes, we can change our money scripts if and when discovered and desired.
Simply put, just as no two people experience life the same way, no two people experience money the same way. Life experiences—family background, education, health, privilege, hardship—create deeply personal financial perspectives.
2. Money means different things to different people.
Not all net worths are equal. I have a good friend who has been very successful financially, for example, and he’s not afraid to show it. His house is big, his car is a head-turner, and his watch collection costs more than four years at an Ivy League university.
Another friend has even more money, and you’d never know it. In fact, she almost seems to bristle at visual displays of wealth. And by the way, both of these people grew up in similar circumstances, and both have been good investors. I would also label both of them as generous. But it’s those labels that can get us in trouble, too.
3. Financial labels are unhelpful oversimplifications.
Rich, wealthy, poor, new money, old money, stingy, spendthrift, aggressive, conservative, spender, saver. While labels may allow us to size someone up quickly, they’re almost always unhelpful oversimplifications.
For example, a very close friend was the first of his lineal descendants to go to college, and he paid his own way. He graduated with a degree in electrical engineering and absolutely fits the stereotype of hyper-frugality and detail orientation for which his occupational peers are known. But he also gives about 5 times more to charity than the average American as a percentage of income. He’s, uh, un-label-able.
4. A great financial plan reflects our complete story/stories.
Good financial planning may help you save a pile of money and spend it down before running out, but great financial planning gets to know us more and genuinely reflects who we are and what’s most important to us.
Good financial planning must address (at least) investments, insurance, tax, estate, and retirement planning, but great financial planning is translated through the language of life and infused with purpose through a more human model that helps us connect our assets to our aspirations.
All this considered, how do you think my wife and I responded to the prompt, “Financial success and failure has a lot to do with luck”?
Mika, the boot-strapped entrepreneur, scored it a negative three, with negative five representing “strongly disagree.” And I, the experienced financial advisor who has observed hundreds of one-percenters for more than 25 years, scored it a positive two. Yep, I’ve seen a lot of very successful people, and while I have marveled at their hard work and ingenuity, I’ve still seen good timing and serendipity play a major role in their success. But I love the fact that my wife isn’t counting on luck, and I hope our kids get that message, too.
And that’s the real takeaway—financial planning isn’t about scoring the “right” answer. It’s about understanding the story behind the score.
Because behind every financial belief is a lifetime of experiences that shape how we see money, risk, security, and success—how we think about growing, protecting, giving, and living. And when we take the time to unpack those stories—especially with the people we share our lives with—we gain not just financial clarity, but a deeper understanding of each other.
So, what’s your story? And how does it shape the way you see money?
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