In workshops, I like to ask participants if they have a legal will—a written document that outlines how they want to distribute their financial assets. And hands shoot up. Then I ask them if they have an ethical will. Very few hands go up.
An ethical will is often called a legacy letter. Both are ways to share and pass on our beliefs, values, stories, and life lessons. contain your wishes, thoughts, feelings, memories, life lessons—anything you hold dear. These written documents help repair relationships by making amends.
After my son graduated from college and moved out, I found a bundle of letters on top of his childhood desk. It was a collection of all of the notes and cards from me over the years, from when he was 10 at camp all the way through college.
When I realized he held onto these personal notes I had written over the years, I started my long-standing tradition of writing each of my three sons a legacy letter (ethical will) on their birthdays. These letters have become significant breadcrumbs of my legacy over the years.
When I grew up, we lived five miles from my grandparents. So we saw them weekly. If my parents went out of town, we stayed with them. Sitting around the dining room listening to my parents and grandparents tell stories was the norm.
Now many families are dispersed across the country, and even the world. My adult sons and their families live on each coast, while my husband and I live in Iowa. When we are physically separated, it becomes more difficult to pass on what matters most to us.
Writing An Ethical Will
Rachael Freed of Life Legacies is one of the main authorities on legacy letters/ethical wills. Freed (no relation, but I wish) created a four-part model to make writing legacy letters easier.
· Select the person who will receive the letter.
· Imagine this is the last letter you are writing to this person—as if you may not make it back home. It takes the form of a “last letter home” that a member of the military might write.
· Structure your letter using these components:
a. Context: Set the context for the story to be told.
b. Story: Share a story based on life experience you feel the person needs to know.
c. Learning: Explain the life lesson you want them to learn from the story and why this story might be important for them—the deeper meaning embedded in the story.
d. Blessing: End with a blessing or statement that might express your wishes such as this sentence stem: My wish for you would be … You can end by expressing your love, care, respect, and appreciation of the person to whom you’re writing. Imagine that it’s your last opportunity to bless them with your love.
For my podcast, “Becoming a Sage,” I interviewed Susan Turnbull. She is the founder and Principal of Personal Legacy Advisors and author of The Wealth of Your Life: A Step-by-Step Guide for Creating Your Ethical Will. Turnbull has created some tools to help transfer intangible aspects of life to future generations.
Based on my 20 years of writing annual legacy letters to each of my sons on their birthdays, I can say that it has been a ritual that I value and a gift to myself to reflect on life and lessons learned. With each year, the lessons that I share change because they are age appropriate and usually related to events going on in their lives. I can honestly say that none of my sons has yet to mention receiving the letter. But I know they receive them because they cash the birthday checks that are included.
Freed advocates keeping a copy on your hard drive or a physical copy. It may be that you choose not to share the letter now. Another advantage of a legacy letter/ethical will is that some topics are challenging to discuss in real time. The person may need time to process. Since we are busy people, it can be difficult to have the person(s) (especially adult children) sit down long enough to have serious conversations on the spot.
The right time to write an ethical will is any time. If you have a legal will describing how you want your assets allocated, then you need an ethical will to share your values, beliefs, and wisdom.
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